Lochi's Little Corner of T&A

(somewhere to put my thoughts)

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do a lot of things. Recently, I realized that I’ve been shut off for the last 6 or 7 months. I still did things, passed my classes, saw my friends and to myself and I would think to other’s I’ve appeared to function normally. But I was asleep. I said things I thought sounded right and did things that I thought looked right. But when I try to get passionate about projects or draw and finish something, I clam up. Reflecting on my last six months makes me short of breathe and achy very, very tired. I didn’t realize that I had taken a 4 month complete hiatus from the internet, particularly tumblr until I started counting the “are you okay?” emails. And I thought, “Yes, of course I’m okay.” But then I realized I hadn’t drawn a single thing outside of classwork IN that 4 months. Not a single thing. It was my roommate that told me how it was. Beginning in November I guess my brain thought that if I was awake that I was actually dying so I slept 70% of my days away and when I wasn’t reminded (I spent 2 weeks completely alone) I had no appetite to eat and when I did, I ate very little. Unfortunately, I developed stomach problems as a result and now I can’t really eat meat. I almost lost my cat while I was 3000 miles away from him in December and when I returned in January I was determined to be an old new me. I then landed in a brief but emotionally manipulative relationship full of tons of lies, conflict avoidance, more lies and a general lack of respect because I apparently don’t learn. And then I shut off again. I don’t know where I was between March and May but now that I feel I’m finally awake I don’t remember how to do ANYTHING. I don’t talk to my old friends and don’t know how to start again and I can’t seem to keep new ones. I only have 3 more months left of school but because I’m sort of the only one sticking around for them, I feel like I’m being left behind. And now I’m awake but on the wrong side of the bed and I’m feeling an awful lot of bottled up rage and an acute sense of indirection. Now I am awake but the house is a mess, the children are screaming, the neighbor’s dog is shitting on my lawn and the coffee can is empty. How do I even? 

I’ve been drawing a little but not as much as I need to. I have backed up commission work, homework, housework and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m trying to find inspiration, TIME, motivation and a capacity for emotions like passion or amusement or even forgiveness. And they are there, I can feel them but I’m still for some reason opting for distraction and…naps. I guess I should thank those of you who have been patient with me and understanding and…patient. I cannot promise I’ll go back to normal soon but I can promise I will be some form of normal eventually. I think I’ll just start with knowing that nothing will ever be the same and go from there.

cellulum:

Every minute for every hour….

DARE YOU DENY?!

AAAAH! Jason! You’re my favorite. 

I think this year is the first time I can remember ever wanting to or needing to start fresh. Health, social and personal problems was sort of the way I closed out the year and I very much regret a lot of choices that I made, causing a lot of pain to not only myself but to others. 

With the help of my mother and a lot of convincing from some pretty true and incredible friends, I am breathing easier. I want to be myself again and I think I’m on my way. Even the stomach issues which have been due to stress have subsided. I have a feeling that this year is going to be much better than last. My resolution is to take back aspects of myself that I had once valued and to re-establish a sense of worth. 

I’d like to thank my friends for being patient, forgiving and honest and for reminding me about those things. Thank you for taking care of me while I am sick, and my CAT while he was sick. Thank you for not letting me fall or abandoning me when things get difficult and for reminding me of what I have and what I need. My New Year really was an incredibly fresh start which was ushered in by these incredible people. 

For the first time in a long time, I am excited for the future.

HAPPY 2013, everyone! I hope it is bright!

Put a reason in my ask.

I guess I should make an update on my life seeing that I’ve lost about 8 followers over night. Not sure why but anyway…Update. 

So we all know about Hank and him being sick which I am still very grateful for everyone’s support and donations and reblogs. He IS doing better though he’s got a little ways to go. That is something that’s occupied a lot of my mind and anxiety and such. I’ll try to make better updates as it goes on. 

I’ve also been in Oregon for some time which as left me unable to really work digitally so I haven’t been updating a lot of art. Things have been slightly better since being here. I believe I lost a close friend nearly a month ago which had taken an emotional and physical toll on me and it has left me with little appetite for art and drawing in general. Separately, I’ve had some stomach issues that began nearly around the same time and have been pretty sick at times, which makes it hard to do things. But being home has helped. I am ALSO doing better but have some ways to go. 

Spending time with people who care about me and have been very good to me has been very nice. I’ve been staying with a group of friends who’ve let me stay in their guest room since its a bit too much to be in my family home. I’ve been somewhat better off here. Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood for art and such and might be able to scan some things soon-ish and will hopefully be able to make more updates both on Hank the cat and on my art/drawings very soon.

I have gotten a few inquiry asks which I haven’t gotten to. You guys are very nice and I appreciate your concern! Once I’m back in school I’ll have my cat and be too busy for personal issues. Which is just the way I like it!