How do I even? Where am I?
(somewhere to put my thoughts)
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do a lot of things. Recently, I realized that I’ve been shut off for the last 6 or 7 months. I still did things, passed my classes, saw my friends and to myself and I would think to other’s I’ve appeared to function normally. But I was asleep. I said things I thought sounded right and did things that I thought looked right. But when I try to get passionate about projects or draw and finish something, I clam up. Reflecting on my last six months makes me short of breathe and achy very, very tired. I didn’t realize that I had taken a 4 month complete hiatus from the internet, particularly tumblr until I started counting the “are you okay?” emails. And I thought, “Yes, of course I’m okay.” But then I realized I hadn’t drawn a single thing outside of classwork IN that 4 months. Not a single thing. It was my roommate that told me how it was. Beginning in November I guess my brain thought that if I was awake that I was actually dying so I slept 70% of my days away and when I wasn’t reminded (I spent 2 weeks completely alone) I had no appetite to eat and when I did, I ate very little. Unfortunately, I developed stomach problems as a result and now I can’t really eat meat. I almost lost my cat while I was 3000 miles away from him in December and when I returned in January I was determined to be an old new me. I then landed in a brief but emotionally manipulative relationship full of tons of lies, conflict avoidance, more lies and a general lack of respect because I apparently don’t learn. And then I shut off again. I don’t know where I was between March and May but now that I feel I’m finally awake I don’t remember how to do ANYTHING. I don’t talk to my old friends and don’t know how to start again and I can’t seem to keep new ones. I only have 3 more months left of school but because I’m sort of the only one sticking around for them, I feel like I’m being left behind. And now I’m awake but on the wrong side of the bed and I’m feeling an awful lot of bottled up rage and an acute sense of indirection. Now I am awake but the house is a mess, the children are screaming, the neighbor’s dog is shitting on my lawn and the coffee can is empty. How do I even?
I’ve been drawing a little but not as much as I need to. I have backed up commission work, homework, housework and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m trying to find inspiration, TIME, motivation and a capacity for emotions like passion or amusement or even forgiveness. And they are there, I can feel them but I’m still for some reason opting for distraction and…naps. I guess I should thank those of you who have been patient with me and understanding and…patient. I cannot promise I’ll go back to normal soon but I can promise I will be some form of normal eventually. I think I’ll just start with knowing that nothing will ever be the same and go from there.
